Great Movie - FIREPROOF

My hubby and I saw this movie this past weekend and it was awesome. It is a low budget film and most of the actors and staff donated their time to make it because they believe in the message.

I walked away from the theater feeling uplifted, hopeful and ready to fight for a strong, "fireproof" marriage.

The movie addresses tough things such as divorce, loss of love, anger, selfishness, pornography addiction, temptation, pride, etc. It also brings in themes of repentance, the Atonement, forgiveness, humility, family support, good friends, etc.

If the movie comes to your area I would strongly urge you to see it. Otherwise be sure to see it when it comes out on DVD.

Some Recommended Reading

Check out this website for some great books on couples dealing with sexual addiction issues in their marriage. My husband and I both worked throught the book "He Did Deliver Me From Bondage" by Colleen Harrison. My husband attended a LDS Pornography Addiction Support Group (nicknamed PASG) and they used the "Clean Hands, Pure Heart" book as part of their readings.

http://www.windhavenpublishing.com/

My Codependent Rights

I wrote these up to remind me not to have codependent behavior. While my husband was acting out on his addictions throughout the years (without my knowledge), I became more and more codependent. While I didn't know what the problem was, I felt like my life was out of control so I attempted to control all other aspects of my life. I was constantly helping people, even if they didn't ask for help. I put my needs last. I was overcommitted to everything and couldn't say no. I neglected my own health and sanity. So once I figured out the source of the problem, I began my journey of healing. Here is my list to share with you.

* I have a right to dignity and respect.
* I have the right to say “no.”
* I have a right to set my own priorities and say “no” to anything that conflicts with my priorities.
* I have a right to stand up for myself.
* I have a right and responsibility NOT to fix everyone else’s problems.
* I have the right not to worry about preventing pain in other’s lives.
* I have the right not to over-commit myself.
* I have a right to show my feelings.
* I have a right to say “I don’t care.”
* I have the right to change my mind.
* I have the right to make mistakes.
* I have a right to spend time on nurturing myself.
* I have the right to enjoy my relationship with my husband.
* I have a right not to feel guilty when I am doing the best I can.
* I have the right not to over-do every project I’m involved with.
* I have the right not to have to look good to everyone.
* I have the right to protect my body and spirit and to not eat or drink things that are bad for my body.
* I have the right to receive guidance from Heavenly Father daily.
* I have the right to be frustrated, but the obligation to react with dignity.

Virtues - How am I doing?

How am I doing in each of the following virtues?
1. Thankfulness: It is the habit of my life to thank my higher power and others for what they have done...I can honestly say that I am a thankful person and often express my gratitude.
2. Gentleness: My life is free from all outbursts of selfish anger or rage. I am approachable, quiet in spirit, open to criticism, and don't get defensive when I am corrected or rebuked.
3. Humility: I do not have an inflated self-opinion and consistently consider others as equal with myself. I have a teachable spirit and avoid all bragging, name-dropping and spiritual pride.
4. Pure Attitudes: My lifestyle is one of the right relationships, not just outwardly but inwardly too. I have no hate, ill will, malice or bitterness toward any other person anywhere on this earth.
5. Acceptance: I refuse to fight back when people criticize, condemn, reject or complain against me, even if they do it with wrong motives. I practice giving a soft answer to turn away their wrath.
6. Peacemaking: It is my practice to try to bring peace between others who are at odds. I don't just stand by and allow division to fester without trying to get involved to bring peace.
7. Boldness: I have been able to launch out and take risks for my recovery and beliefs, keeping fear under control and taking risks when my higher power calls to me to do something. There is nothing now that My Higher Power is asking me to do which I'm resisting because of fear.
8. Trust: I not only believe, but "act as if" my higher power is guiding my life and situations. My life is one of simple reliance on my Higher Power. I'm free from fretting, worry or anxiety about the future.
9. Persistence: It is normal for me to hang in there, when I am acting in healthy ways, when things get difficult, stressful and unrewarding, even if I must face suffering difficulty and persecution. My persistence keeps me from giving up too easily and I just keep on keeping on.
10. Harmony: I'm not a participant in any group evil like quarreling, dissension, fighting or factions in my family or in my place of worship, fellowship or work.
11. Submission/Surrender: I do not resist those placed in authority over me, even if they're less competent or gifted. When I "turn my will and life over" to the care of my Higher Power, it means I follow my H.P.'s direction even if I question it at first.
12. Right Relationships: Reflecting on all my relationships past and present, I'm able to say there are no broken relationships with anybody, anywhere, which I have not attempted to straighten out.
13. Giving Living: I regularly practice generous giving to my family, place of worship, AA/NA, and homeless, helpless, widows, orphans, and other needy folk. Generosity is a normal behavior to me.
14. Family Time: It is the routine of my life to control the amount of time I spend in work, pleasure or other activities which take too much time from my family. I obey my spiritual leading and make my Family time the top priority of my relationship life.
15. Forgiveness: If there is an individual or group of people who have hurt me in the past, I release my resentment, bitterness or grudge against them. I have fully forgiven everyone who has ever hurt me.
16. Restoring others: I hurt when temptation overtakes a brother or sister in the fellowship or elsewhere in my life, so I do not avoid or exclude them; rather I often get involved, humbly coming alongside to help them back to their feet spiritually.
17. Restitution: If I've ever taken things which do not belong to me, or hurt people by what I said or did, I have gone back and made restitution for everything my Higher Power has prompted me about so far (knowing that my H.P. would not prompt me to do so if it would cause harm to me or another person).
18. Resisting Materialism: I resist the grasping materialistic lifestyle of my culture, choosing rather to live a life of contentment and satisfaction with what I have. I'm not always "wanting more".
19. Selfish Ambition: I have laid aside all envy and selfish ambition. I have no jealousy of another's success. I do not eagerly hunger to climb the ladder to gain personal power and position.
20. Spiritual Intimacy: It is the routine of my life to spend time alone with my Higher Power each day to read spiritual books, meditate and pray...and beyond that I "practice the presence" of my Higher Power all day long. I'm constantly sensing my Higher Power's surrounding presence in my life like the air I breath.
21. Thought Life: My thought life is absolutely free from all impure thoughts. I have habitual victory over all tempting sexual fantasies, daydreams, or other selfish thoughts. I never get high on "old highs".
22. Living Above Reproach: I painstakingly avoid situations which could feed lustful or selfish desires or even tempt others to gossip about me. I have no dangerous emotional bonds which could lead to trouble. I carefully attend to all my relationships so that not even the hint of impropriety exists.
23. Truthfulness: My yes is yes, my 200 is 200, my five-point buck is a five-point buck, and the fish is whatever size it is. I totally avoid half-truths, white lies, flattery or exaggeration. I practice absolute honesty both in my relationships with others and myself. I do not lie in order to allow myself or others to avoid unpleasant emotions.
24. Tongue Stewardship: I abstain from slander, gossip, harshness, unkindness, biting criticism, caustic remarks, obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking. Instead I use my tongue to build others up, giving words of encouragement, comfort, help, inspiration, and challenge. My tongue is completely under my Higher Power's control.
25. Living my Recovery: I typically share my recovery with both straight and chemically dependent people every time my Higher Power prompts me to do it. Twelfth stepping is a habit of my life.
26. Spiritual Passion: I hunger to become more spiritual and take my spiritual growth seriously. I do not ignore, dismiss or excuse areas where I fall short, even those I have listed above, since I have a spiritual passion for becoming more like my Higher Power would have me be, the I AM of Him.

The 12 Steps

The 12 Steps

1. We admitted we were powerless over compulsive, addictive behavior- that our lives become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we have harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so could injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others still suffering from the effects of compulsive behaviors, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Letter from an LDS Wife

To the Sisters in the Stake,

I am writing to you as my sisters in this Stake. I wanted to share my experience with the hopes that it may help one of you who may face a similar situation.

Let me start by saying I NEVER thought this would happen to me. I thought that this was the kind of thing that happened to other people and that I was immune to facing a trial like this. I was completely wrong. It can happen in any home.

The subject that I am addressing is one that most people are uncomfortable to discuss. It is pornography addiction (also called sexual addiction). Pornography addiction takes many forms – viewing pornographic magazines, viewing pornographic movies, looking at porn on the internet, chatting on-line, having inappropriate phone conversations and much more. There are many forms of pornography, but the path of destruction is all the same. This addiction leads to the destruction of souls, the destruction of marriages, the destruction of families. This pathway leads to adultery in some form as the addiction runs its course. I believe that this is one of Satan’s biggest tools and he is using this tool to destroy individuals and families. My family has been under attack and we are fighting back.

The process was a gradual one. For many years, I didn’t know my husband had a problem. It started with masturbation and then pornography was added in as time went on. He struggled on his own and I was completely oblivious. I don’t know if this was because I was just clueless or if it was because I didn’t see the truth because I didn’t want to see it. For years I had a slightly “off” feeling in my marriage. My marriage was generally happy with no obvious problems. We looked like an ideal couple to the outside world. Every once in a while I would just feel slightly uncomfortable.

This carried on for many years. Then, I started feeling like there was a wall growing between my husband and me. It was nothing huge, just a lack of complete closeness. We’d talk and he’d say all the right things, so I talked myself in to thinking there wasn’t really a problem.

Then I started feeling like I couldn’t trust him completely. I didn’t trust that he would make good decisions. There were little clues to me that he wasn’t feeling the spirit and I felt like he wasn’t completely sincere when we’d pray together or have Family Night. His prayers just rang hollow to me even though he was saying the right things. I knew something was wrong, I just didn’t know what the problem was or how big it was.

Then, as his problem began to totally take over, I noticed a bad feeling in our home and in my life. I was never completely happy and felt unsettled. I felt very lonely even though I had lots of friends. I also felt like my husband treated me like more of an object than a person. I felt like sex was something I owed him rather than something to share. It began to be much less appealing to me as he treated me more and more like an object. He would be angry and resentful if I said “no” so I said “yes” even when I didn’t want to be anywhere near him. I even reached the point where I wondered if something was wrong with me because I felt so uncomfortable.

My husband was very sneaky about his addiction. He didn’t want to risk losing me or his family by being caught. There was no history for me to find on our computer because he used the computer at work or when I was out of town or asleep and he deleted the history. He also made calls from work or from his cell phone so that I wouldn’t pick up on anything.

I reached the point of such discomfort in my own home that I began to pray to Heavenly Father to know the truth. I prayed that He would let me know what was wrong in my home and what to do about it. He answered my prayers in a sure and certain way. I promise you that He will answer any of His children’s prayers when they seek to know the truth.

Through this experience I have a sure knowledge that my Heavenly Father listens to each of our prayers. He knows each of our needs and all we need to do is ask Him for help and He will jump right in and help.

I confronted my husband and he didn’t tell me the truth. I knew the truth in my heart already and I told him that when he was prepared to tell me that I was prepared to hear the truth. A few days later he shared his struggles with me and pleaded for help. He was willing to work with our awesome bishop and do whatever it took to become clean again. He hated the double life he had been leading for so long and was relieved to have it out in the open. I felt like he now felt relief but that he had placed a huge burden onto me.

At first I said I just wanted to die because it hurt so badly. It felt like my worst nightmare had come true. I felt betrayed, angry and worried, but quickly I felt deeper peace with me and I knew that I would be okay. I knew my husband was in a dark place, but he wanted to improve so I was willing to help him. At times I felt hurt, overwhelmed and angry, but I knew in the eternal perspective that he was a child of God and that he was the father of my kids so I wanted to try my best to make things work. I figured maybe I could love him again someday after my heart healed. Since he was willing to repent, I was willing to hang in there with him and at least give him one chance.

We went to the Bishop’s office hand in hand. The bishop was kind and compassionate and told us that we could all work through this together. He did not act shocked, embarrassed, disappointed or mad, but rather he was full of love and desire to help us. The church leaders are prepared and willing to help because they know that this is a problem that is destroying families in and out of the church.

The Bishop also recommended additional tools such as an LDS therapist and the 12 Step program through LDS Family Services. Plus we had a small circle of friends and family who we confided in and who gave us support. We began to communicate better and share our struggles with each other rather than hiding our concerns. We began to work as a team. I came to realize what the real battle was about. This wasn’t my husband trying to destroy my life and hurt me. This battle was about Satan trying to destroy our eternal family.

Satan wants us to feel alone. He doesn’t want us to resolve these problems. He wants the person involved in sin to feel like they are all alone and unworthy. He wants the sin to be shrouded in secrecy. He wants us to be carnal not spiritual. Satan wants us to feel hopeless and sad and angry. But Heavenly Father and our Savior want us to be happy and they are stronger than the adversary.

There is a path to recovery. You can be happy even after facing a challenge of this magnitude.

Today I can honestly say I am happier than ever. We have had bumps along the path of recovery and everything hasn’t been perfect or easy, but we have sorted our way through things as a team. The Plan of Salvation is clearer to me. The scriptures are more treasured. My prayers are more sincere and heartfelt. Our home feels pure and happy. I never thought I could be happy again, but I guess I didn’t really understand the Atonement. I am beginning to now. I also know that my husband and I can’t let our guard down spiritually for a minute or Satan will wedge his way back in to our lives.

If you think something may be wrong in your home or marriage, please don’t turn a blind eye. Talk to your husband. Be honest with your concerns. Tell him that if he has a problem now or ever does that you are willing to talk to him and work with him and that you won’t just leave. If you are struggling in this area, talk to your husband. Talk to the bishop. It is not a subject that should be avoided because it is embarrassing to discuss. Remember, we are all in this battle and Satan is a mean and sneaky adversary.

Pornography is a problem that is plaguing our society. I, for one, want to stop Satan from destroying families. Since this has happened, we have found out that others in our circle of family and friends have struggled as well. A few of them have now set their lives right as well. It is a problem in society and it is a problem in this Church.

No one is safe from this. Don’t assume that this can’t happen to you. I believe that Satan works even harder on those with the most potential. I beg you to please be aware of this problem and don’t assume that “all is well.” We all need to fill our lives with the right things to protect ourselves – sincere prayer, scripture study, going to church, Family Night, temple attendance, etc. It sounds like the same old advice, but trust me, it works. Don’t be complacent spiritually because it is not worth the price you may pay.

Remember that you are never alone and even in your darkest moments, there is still hope for a brighter tomorrow and that this is all due to a loving Father and His son Jesus Christ. Things can be okay again.

Love, A Sister in the Stake

Does My Spouse Have a Problem?

Does My Spouse Have a Problem?

In today’s world many parents and spouses are concerned about the availability and easy access of pornography. The negative and destructive influence of pornography has adversely affected many lives. You may share these same concerns. You may suspect, through actual evidence or an intuitive impression, that your spouse is using pornography. Accurately discerning whether or not a spouse is struggling with pornography is a difficult, yet important first step in confronting and coping with the suspicions you may have. Determining whether or not there is a pornography problem is a careful balancing act. Some spouses dismiss behavior that should be confronted due to incomplete or insufficient information. One woman, despite her frustration and disgust, excused her husband’s pornography habit because she inaccurately assumed it was part of normal male behavior. When his habit later led to further problems, she expressed regret about not confronting the behavior sooner. Another woman grew suspicious of her husband’s late night computer activities, which he said were “work related.” Rather than expressing her concern she quietly went to bed each night. A few months later she discovered that her suspicions were accurate and her husband had been viewing pornography. Both of these examples represent situations where more information should have been gathered and behavior should have been confronted.

Signs of an Existing Problem

1. Loss of interest in sexual relations or insatiable sexual appetite.
2. Introduction of unusual sexual practices in the relationship.
3. Diminished emotional, physical, social, spiritual, and intellectual intimacy.
4. Neglect of responsibilities.
5. Increased isolation (such as late night hours on the computer); withdrawal from family.
6. Easily irritated, irregular mood swings.
7. Unexplained absences.
8. Preference for masturbation over sexual relations with spouse.
9. Unexplained financial transactions.
10. Sexual relations that are rigid, rushed, without passion, and detached.

Collecting Information

If these signs are presents in a marriage, it is possible there is a problem. Awareness of these signs is important. Additionally, accurate and complete information about problem should be gathered. One spouse became extremely agitated when she discovered pornographic images in the temporary Internet files folder on the family computer. She assumed her husband was indulging in pornography and imagined the devastation that the marriage would now suffer as a result of his behavior. When he came home from work, she burst into tears and immediately began attacking him. As the details unfolded, the family discovered that their son’s teenage friend was responsible. Even if the friend had not confessed, there were other possible explanations for the images being present. For example, there are various Internet marketing techniques using new computer technology that can send pornographic images to a home computer without anyone’s knowledge. Thus, it is always important to gather sufficient information and consider various possibilities before concluding there is a problem.

Communicating Concerns

If you suspect but are unsure if there is a problem, it is appropriate to communicate your concerns to your spouse. Perhaps some of the signs listed previously may be part of your concerns. Listen and be prepared to give him (or her) the benefit of the doubt. If there really is a problem, time will usually reveal any inappropriate behaviors. If material is being used to facilitate fantasies about other women (or men), this is inappropriate. If you are hurt by such behavior, remember that your feelings are valid and need to be expressed. It is important to remember that change is possible. The motive behind confronting the problem must be born out of hope and love. The goal must be recovery, healing and repentance and the restoration of true and healthy intimacy. Such recovery and healing is available to all through the Atonement of
Jesus Christ.

From lds.org

Step 4 Questions - Moral Inventory

If you are working the 12 Steps, here are some suggested questions for doing your moral inventory. (You can cut an paste them and then journal about each question).

Moral Inventory
Childhood
1. What kind of relationship did your mother have with her parents?
2. What kind of relationship did your father have with his parents?
3. Were you wanted at birth?
4. Write out the circumstances of your family at the time of your birth. Things such as:
Family size
Age differences (Your parents, brothers & sisters)
Financial status
Was there laughter?
Arguing?
Depression?
Were other relatives living with you?
Other circumstances?
5. In general, describe what you think your family thought of you.
Did you feel your parents' attitude toward you was different than other parents toward their children?
How old were you at the birth of brothers and sisters?
How did you feel about the new arrivals?
Were either of your parents sick enough to need hospitalizations?
Were you separated from any important family member?
Was there fear or guilt about this separation...in other words, did you feel responsible?
6. Were you threatened by the Boogey Man or the Devil if you misbehaved?a. If so, what were your fears in this regard?
7. A child is made to feel guilty about his/her normal sexual curiosity. This comes about by his/her being caught and punished for touching himself/herself, or being caught masturbating, or playing "Doctor", or for participating in group masturbation. Many parents tell children that sexual feelings are evil and must be punished. With no sex education, and given this sort of teaching, a child will naturally distort what he/she knows about sex. When a child is exposed to fully developed nude persons (for instance in the bathroom at home, or in public), he/she may begin to feel inadequacy in adult life, even after the person is a thoroughly developed adult.
a. Write down any of the above experiences that you have had or make you feel uneasy.
8. Did you have a difficult time pleasing one or both of your parents?Were you constantly directed and redirected by your parents?
Did you obey docilely?
Did you have feelings of distress and boredom?
Were you afraid of the dark?
Were you afraid to fight?
Or were you afraid not to fight because of pressure from your mother or father or older brothers or sisters or others?
9. Did your parents submit to your whims and immature demands most of the time?
Did you have temper tantrums?
How did your parents punish you? By trying to reason, or was it physical?
How did you react to punishment?
10. What kind of marriage do you think your parents had?
a. If they fought, did you resent it?
b. Did it scare you?
c. Were you used to breaking up their fights?
d. Did you take one side or the other?
e. Were your parents preoccupied with themselves?
f. Did they lack awareness of your needs?
g. Was there an absence of affection, concern, or loving attention in your home?
11. If your parents were from different religions, did you feel confused about it?
a. What particular idea of "God" was impressed upon you?
b. Did you reject this concept because it seemed inadequate?
c. If you did reject this idea, did you imagine you had abandoned the God idea entirely?
d. Did your parents teach you that God was a loving God or a punishing God?
12. Were you afraid of storms?
13. List all the feelings of guilt, fear, resentments, you had toward each person in your life as a child (not your feelings now).
14. Did you feel you were "bad"?
a. Did you put yourself into situations that caused others to punish you?
15. List the first time that you ever stole anything?
a. Inventory all your childhood thefts.
16. How old were you when you first masturbated?
a. Were you ever caught and made to feel guilty?
b. Did you feel guilty even though you weren't caught?
c. What other kinds of sexual curiosity were you involved in (homosexual, animal, with any other members of the family, anything else)?
17. If you were named after someone, what was that person like?
18. Did your family move often?
a. If so, did you make friends and then have to break off the relationship so often that you became afraid to become close?
19. Do you remember starting school?
a. What were your feelings?
b. Try to remember each successive grade in school and as you do, write out the resentments you felt toward teachers, pupils, anyone.
c. Any fights?
d. Slights?
e. Hurts?
f. Embarrassments?
20. Did you resent your relatives, friends, or parents? If so, list them. No resentment is too small to mention. The AA Big Book states, " Resentment is the number one offender." (pg 64)
21. What kind of language did your parents use?
a. Were you ashamed of them for this or anything else?
b. Did you ever see your parents in the nude?
c. What were your feelings?
d. Did you ever see or hear your parents having sex?
e. What were your feelings?
22. In every family, a child usually has certain "chores" assigned.
a. What were yours?
b. Were they fair?
c. Could you do them in ways that would please your parents?
d. Do you remember longing for a carefree childhood because of the absence of play?
23. Did your parents seem to like your friends better than they did you?
a. Did your friends seem to like your parents better than they did you?
b. If so, did you resent this?
24. Any bad experiences at Sunday school?
a. Or at summer camp?
25. Were you an only child?
a. Did you resent this or enjoy it?
26. Did your parents want a child of the opposite sex when they had you?
a. Did they name you, or dress you, to match their sex choice?
b. Did your appearance (looks, dress, etc.) embarrass you?
c. Did you feel you were "different" from your class mates?
27. Were you treated as a nuisance or a burden?
28. Did you treat possible friends with hostility or obnoxious behavior?
a. Did you force friends to abandon friendly behavior?
29. Did you feel your parents attitude toward you was different than other parents toward their children?
Write down any other childhood memories that were painful.
Which of the above questions about childhood was the toughest for you to answer?
Do you know why?
End of Childhood Section
Adolescence
Often an adolescent relies on the misguided sex information obtained from his peers. This can produce a number of severe problems (i.e. never outgrowing the desire to have sex with the opposite parent, brother, sister...sometimes the desire for sexual activities with the parent of the same sex.) Although these are unconscious desires, they bring on conscious guilts that have to be dealt with. Distortion may come when a person is too young emotionally to handle adult sex. There is involvement because of peer pressure or the desire to please another. Not being in touch with adult feelings, pretenses set up which then leads to anger, disappointment, and guilt. These feelings, in turn, can have a tendency to prevent normal sexual and emotional growth. The guilt prevents the person from talking the feelings out with a mature adult, which may result in a need to repeat the same pattern over and over again.
1. Write down your experience concerning the above, both heterosexual andhomosexual.
2. Some girls are taught that men are interested in sex only, and some boys aretaught that they must be "the greatest of all time." These attitudes are destructive and damaging to the total person.
a. Have you experienced either of these attitudes?
b. Is there a pattern?
c. How has it affected you?
3. Did you have friends when you were an adolescent?
4. Did you consider friendly overtures a possible trick?
5. Did you have feelings of complete worthlessness?
6. What kind of friend were you?
7. What interest or lack of interest did you have in school?
8. How was your social life?
9. Did you participate in sports or creative activities such as music, art, etc.?
10. What were the reasons for your participation or non-participation in theseactivities?
11. Were you a trouble maker? If so, in what way?
a. Did you destroy property?
b. Did you resent leaders-either physical or mental?
c. Did what seemed to satisfy others provide no satisfaction for you?
d. Did you tend to drift, lack initiative, be short on persistence?
e. Did you feel passive discontent?
f. Did you resent not being the most handsome or beautiful person at school?
12. Did you feel you were a coward because you didn't want to fight?
a. Of did you like to fight?
b. Were you a bully?
c. If you are a boy, did you feel embarrassed because boys made fun of you or girls avoided you?
d. If you are a girl, did you feel embarrassed because girls made fun of you or boys avoided you?
e. Were you very sensitive to rebuff and almost automatically hostile?
13. Did you have a difficult time pleasing yourself?
a. Did it bother you if you made mistakes?
b. Were you overly concerned with every detail?
14. Some people feel inadequate as adults because they were at one time exposed to youngsters more developed at that time. Were you exposed to other children in gym class or the restrooms who were older than you and more developed physically?
a. How did you feel then?
b. How do you feel now?
15. Did you drift in and out of relationships?
16. Did you suffer intensely from insecurities and tend to keep people at a distance?
17. Did you feel that deep down you lacked an identity of your own?
18. Did you resent not being part of a crowd?
a. Or not being a leader?
b. Or not being "in"?
19. Were you shy or outgoing?
a. How are you now?
20. Does any particular type of person make you shy?
21. If you dropped out of school explain your feelings and reasons?
22. Anything happen to you in high school that was a continuing source of shame?
23. Did your parents compare you to other family members or friends?a. Did you resent them for wanting you to be like someone else?
24. How did you get the attention of your family?
25. Did you have great longings for someone to care for you?
a. Did you make an effort to appear self-sufficient, independent of others, detached, aloof?
b. Did you pout, sulk, be a good child, have temper tantrums, act like a dummy?
26. Do you remember the kind of lies you told (if any)?
a. How did you feel when you got caught lying?
27. What was the most embarrassing incident of your adolescence?
a. Are there any others that you remember?
28. Did you have great difficulty in giving or receiving love and affection?
29. If sexual feeling were discounted and "put down" in your family, there is a strong possibility that you will feel guilty about them. We "catch" attitudes. A boy who's pushed to always do better, or is criticized no matter what he does, may find himself having trouble in his sexual performance as an adult. Or a girl who has been told that it is not-okay to feel sexy may grow up to dislike her own body and distrust her feelings. These attitudes create unnatural or uncomfortable sexual behavior.
a. Did you "catch" any of these attitudes?
b. Can you see such attitudes cropping up in your life now?
c. First sexual intercourse:
1. What were your feelings?
2. Did you feel guilty?
3. Did you feel disappointed?
4. Be as explicit about the feelings as you can.
30. List in detail any homosexual experience, masturbation fantasy, or other sexual activity that you remember from this time. Keep in mind that we are not concerned about "with whom" or "on what date" or "how often"...rather, we are concerned about how you felt about the experience.
31. Did you get someone pregnant?
a. Or become pregnant yourself?
b. What did you do and how did you feel about your actions?
32. Were you ashamed of your parents?
a. Were they too old, too fat, too sloppy, too drunk, etc.?
b. Too whatever?
33. Did you have the kind of clothes that other kids wore?
34. Did you give the spiritual side of life a fair hearing?
a. Did you choose to believe that your human intelligence is the last word?
35. Was there enough money for the things that you needed?
a. If not, were you resentful that there wasn't?
b. If there was, did you take it too much for granted?
c. Did you feel any brothers or sisters got more than you did?
d. Write out your feelings about money as an adolescent.
e. Did you tend to be impulsive?
36. Did you tend to dominate some or many aspects of your life?
37. Were you the kind of child you would want to have?
38. Were you a thief?
39. Were you ever double-promoted (skipped a grade)?
a. If so, did you have trouble catching-up emotionally?
b. Were you held back a grade?
c. How did you act?
d. How did you feel...did you feel uncomfortable because you were younger, older, than the other students?
40. Were you undependable as a friend...breaking off relationships without anyexplanation when someone or something who seemed better came along?
41. Did you pit one member of your family against another?
42. What was the best experience you had during this period of your life?
a. The worst?
We've covered a lot of ground on these questions. Now, is there anything that made you particularly uncomfortable when writing about it? Have you put down everything that you can remember now that bugged you then? Even the simplest, most nit- picking things are important if they trouble you. Put them down now.
End of Adolescence Section
Adulthood
1. Are you afraid of getting too close to another person for fear of being rejected?
2. Do you test your relationships repeatedly, looking for slights or any indifference in order to find some ground for complaint?
3. Do you reject others before they can reject you?
4. Are you so thin-skinned that you have trouble admitting any human weaknesses?
a. List some of your weaknesses that you are able to accept.
b. How well do you accept yourself in your own humanness?
c. Are you able to be less defensive about these weaknesses?
5. Define Love.
a. What do you feel it is?
b. Do you drift in and out of relationships?
c. Does it seem that people mean little to you?
d. Do you feel the desire for mothering/fathering?
e. For active caring?
f. For unlimited acceptance?
6. If you are married or have been married... list the things you and your mate had in common and what your goals were at the onset of your marriage.
a. If you have been married more than once, do this with each marriage.
b. Now list the things that were different between you.
7. If you married a cold, unloving person, ask yourself why you chose that one to be your mate?
a. Did you use it as an excuse to find new romances?
b. Was your mother or father cold and unloving...and is this your chance to get even with them through your spouse?
8. Why did you get married?
a. Or...why haven't you gotten married?
b. Was the marriage for the right reasons?
c. Did you marry earlier than your peer group?
d. Later?
e. Do you accept or resent the responsibilities of marriage and family?
f. Do you share in the responsibilities for the families' problems?
9. Are you able to be cheerful when everything seems to be leading to despair?
10. Do you resist the impulse to complain to others about your situation?a. Are you able to forgive those who have injured you?
11. Do you continue to assume excessive responsibility if there is no longer afinancial need?
12. Do you allow your family to come between you and your spouse?
13. Do you make excessive demands and expectations of your spouse?
14. Are you able to admit that you have no authority or power over any other human being?
15. Do you create a pleasant, cheerful environment?a. Do you try to?
16. Do you feel all human beings are basically good and sensitive?
17. Are you still a baby in your parent's eyes and take advantage of it?a. Do you resent it?
18. Are you a baby in the eyes of your spouse?a. Do you resent it?
19. Do you infringe on the rights and dignity of others?
20. Have your parents gotten you out of trouble you should have been able to handle by yourself?
21. Do you gossip about others?
22. Are you comfortable with someone who is less fortunate than you?
23. Do you know how to respond to the needs of others?a. To give of yourself?
24. When, and how, and in just what instances did your selfish pursuit of sex relations damage other people and yourself?
a. What people were hurt?
b. How badly?
c. Did you spoil your marriage and injure your children?
d. Did you jeopardize your job or your standing in the community?
e. Just how did you react to these situations at the time?
f. Did you burn with guilt that nothing could extinguish?
g. Did you have bouts of depression?
h. Or did you insist that you were the pursued and not the pursuer...and thusabsolve yourself?
25. How have you reacted to frustration in sexual matters?
a. When denied, have you become vengeful or depressed?
b. Did you "take it out" on other people?
c. If there was rejection or coldness in your home, did you use this as a reason for promiscuity?
d. Did you tend to be promiscuous with little or no lasting satisfaction or emotional interchange?
26. Many people who are lonely and don't really know how to love get involvedsenselessly in "sexcapades." The temporary loss of loneliness makes one call sex "love," but when the sexual partner is gone, it makes for an even greater feeling of loneliness.
a. Have you ever experienced this?
27. Are laws made for other people?
a. Do you make up your own laws as you go along?
28. If revenge were possible right now, who would be the top people on your list?
a. Why?
29. What are your present feelings about sex, parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, friends, your children, your mate, your intimate friends, your job, on being a compulsive person, finances, divorce or marriage (depending on your present status).
30. What are your hopes and goals?
31. Does diversion and distraction interfere with your adult goals?
a. Do you believe that your situation is not really hopeless and that you are capable of improving it?
b. Are you able to feel that tomorrow will be brighter if you've had a bad day?
32. Do you use sex as a punishment or a reward?
33. How much time do you spend with your family?
a. With the program?
34. What is your greatest fear?
35. What is your sex life like?
a. Is it as mature as you might want it to be?
b. Are you disappointed in your mate for not fulfilling your sexual needs?
c. Are you careless of your partner's feelings?
d. Write out your ideal of a healthy sex life.
36. Do you engage in sex in order to build your own ego by a feeling of conquest?
37. Are you afraid of being sexually rejected?
38. Are you ashamed of your body or the way you look?
a. Write out what's wrong with the physical you.
b. Write out the best things about you physically.
c. Now write out the things about yourself that you are ashamed of.
39. Do you feel you are still trying to please your parents?
40. Do you drive yourself to the point of exhaustion?
41. Do you accept that you can only do your best?
42. Do you use people to get what you want?
43. Do you expect others to pour out love, affection, and services?
44. Do you gossip or perform "character assassination" on others in order to " make it" in the business or social world?
a. Or do you do this in an effort to feel superior (to the one gossiped about)?
45. If you are a thief, what have you stolen?
a. Don't forget to include employer's time and the good feelings others had and you destroyed.
b. Have you used your employer's facilities, supplies or equipment for your personal use without permission?
46. Do you have a pattern of getting sick?
a. Do you go to doctors repeatedly without finding anything organically wrong?
b. Do you use illness as an excuse to avoid responsibilities or to get attention or sympathy?
47. In business relationships, write out your resentments toward bosses and co-workers.
a. Do you feel jealous of them?
b. Are you concerned that others in your office will get more money or prestige than you will?
c. Do you try to prove you can "take it" on a job that is rough and tough?
d. Do you complain about how hard you must work?
e. List all the negative feelings you have about the people involved in your work life.
f. Are you indifferent and/or careless on your job?
g. Do you think you should be the boss?
h. Do you use the excuse that your boss, or your family or friends, shouldn't expect so much of you?
i. Are you able to laugh at yourself for sometimes trying to be other than that which you are?
j. Do you feel good about yourself when you complete a job because you want to finish it?
48. If you are divorced, or getting one, write out your negative feelings about thesituation and the people involved. Resentments, fears, guilts, etc., concerning your relationship with your mate, including feelings about your children.
a. Do you expect the children to make a decision on which parent they love the best?
b. How well are you able to accept situations you cannot change?
c. Are you able to back away from conflict and confusion?
49. If married, write out exactly how you feel about your spouse and children.
a. Are they living up to your expectations?
b. What are your expectations?
50. Do you feel that no one really understands you?
51. Is your need for affection so intense that the demands for it may be exhausting in a sexual relationship?
52. Are your expectations unreasonable?
53. How do you think you would be different if "they" were out of your life?
54. Are you uncomfortable in social situations?
a. Do you have trouble introducing people to each other?
b. Are you able to relax or do you find relaxing difficult?
55. Do you still feel different from other members of the program or apart fromthem?
a. Do you feel superior or inferior?
b. Do you avoid looking at yourself by making statements such as, "Oh well, some of us are sicker than others?"
56. Do you judge or make fun of people who appear to be less fortunate mentally, physically, or morally than you think you are?
57. Do you compare yourself to others to make yourself suffer by picking people who are further along in the program than you, or people who are talented in areas you are not?
58. Are you able to accept the facts of a situation, thereby deciding what to do about it?
59. The only person you can adequately compare yourself to is yourself:
a. How were you five days ago?
b. Five weeks ago?
c. Five months ago?
d. At your first meeting?
e. How are you now?
60. List every act you swore you would take to the grave, disclosing to no one. Be open and honest. (Remember, life gave us all good and bad experiences. Usually the things you are most ashamed of are the very acts that made you try to grow into something of someone better. If you want freedom, you have to let go of it all. The AA Big Book states..."We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it...No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others..." (pg. 83-84) If you want to help bring peace into the lives of the people you will be dealing with later, you must find it in your own life first.
61. In what ways are you the responsible person?
62. Are you a tightwad?
a. What are your fears concerning money?
b. Do you spend money with no thought of tomorrow?
c. Are you heavily in debt?
63. Do you try to fill your life with the gratification of impulses?
64. Is your personal appearance particularly careless or prideful?
a. On sight, do you judge people by their appearance (whether sloppy or neat)?
b. Are you never satisfied with yourself or others?
65. What things make you feel greedy, envious, angry?
66. Do you strive for wealth or reputation, or both, to the exclusion of other values in life?
67. Are you scornful of ideas that weren't your own?
68. Do you tell others how bad you have been or are, or do you go to the otherextreme and tell people how great you are or were? (The first communication can be pride in reserves; the second can be a way to give your ego a false sense of security).
69. Write your feelings for parents, brothers, sisters, and other family members.a. What resentments or hates do you still have?b. What still makes you feel guilty about them?
70. Do you pad your expense account or use household money to buy things foryourself?
71. Do you feel a resentment toward another member of the program?
72. What kinds of things do you lie about the most?
73. Do you still need to play the Big Shot?
74. Do you strive for success in a desperate effort to deny inner needs, to repel the feelings of emptiness?
75. Are you hurt when people turn away and won't play your games?
76. Do you resent not getting as much attention as you did when you were brand new in the program?
77. Do you worry about other people's Higher Power not being as good as yours?
a. Or maybe even better?
b. How do you feel about people who claim to be Godly?
78. What is your conception of "God as you understand Him"?
79. Are you comparing yourself with others in spiritual growth?
a. Have you known someone who had a spiritual approach you wish you had?
b. Do you feel superior or inferior spiritually?
80. Do you still feel guilty about masturbation?
81. Do you feel superior because you have more education, money, brains, the " right color skin", social background, vocation, or any other seeming advantages?
a. List your feelings of superiority.
82. Do you feel inferior because you have less of the above?
a. List your feelings of inferiority.
83. Do you think you are superior to the general run of people?
a. List all the ways in which you are different.
84. Do you think you are inferior to the general run of people?
a. List all the ways in which you are different.
85. Do you have a hard time getting to places on time?
86. Do you resent others who don't seem to have problems finding happiness?
87. Are you aware of any clear adult goals?
88. Do you seek enjoyment or entertainment of one kind or another but are rarely capable of thorough enjoyment?
89. Do you turn play into work? (i.e. games, sports, hobbies that are not fun orrelaxing).
90. Are you still judging the outside of others by the inside of you?
91. Have you bothered to ask the people who seem happy how they got that way?
92. How much time do you spend with the welfare and happiness of others?
a. Have you learned how to hear other people, to see them, to know them?
93. Do you still envy people who do not appear to be compulsive?
94. Are you hostile because you don't like the hand life has dealt to you?
95. What are your present fears? List them.
96. How do you presently get other people's attention?
a. Pouting?
b. Sulking?
c. Temper tantrums?
d. Being extra good (and letting them know it)?
e. Playing stupid?
f. Frustrating others' activities?
g. Bitching?
h. Other ways?
End of Adulthood Section
More questions - Here and now
1. In addition to your compulsive behavior, what character defects contribute to your financial instability?
a. Do you tend to be impulsive about spending money?
2. Did fear and inferiority about fitness for your job destroy your confidence and fill you with conflict?
a. Did you try to cover up these feelings or inadequacy by bluffing, cheating, lying, or evading responsibility?
b. Or by griping that others failed to recognize your truly exceptional abilities?
3. Are your standards for yourself unduly high?
4. Did you overvalue yourself and play the "big shot"?
a. Did you have such unprincipled ambition that you double-crossed and undercut your associates?
5. Are you extravagant?
a. Do you recklessly borrow money, caring little whether it is repaid or not?
6. Are you a penny-pincher, refusing to support your family properly?
a. Did you try to cut corners financially?
b. What about "quick" money deals?
The most common symptoms of emotional insecurity are worry, anger, self-pity and depression. These stem from causes which sometimes seem to be within us, and at other times without. To take inventory in this respect we ought to consider carefully all personal relationships which bring continuous and recurring troubles. It should be remembered that this kind of insecurity may arise in any area where instincts are threatened. Questioning directed to this end might run like this: Looking at both past and present, what sex situations have caused me anxiety, bitterness, frustration or depression? Appraising each situation carefully and fairly, can you see where you have been at fault?
Did these perplexities beset you because of selfishness or unreasonable demands? Or, if your disturbance was seemingly caused by the behavior of others, why do you lack the ability to accept conditions you cannot change?
Do you feel that faith and dependency on a Higher Power is somewhat weak, even cowardly? Has your inability to accept much on faith been handicapped by obstinacy, sensitiveness, and unreasonable prejudice? Do you dissect spiritual beliefs and practices of spiritually-minded persons as a basis of wholesale condemnation? What would your choice be if you fearlessly had to face the proposition that God either is or He isn't?
These are the sort of fundamental inquiries that can disclose the source of yourdiscomfort and indicate whether you are able to alter you own conduct and so adjust yourself to self-discipline. Suppose a particular insecurity constantly arouses the same feelings again and again. You can ask to what extent your own mistakes have fed your gnawing anxieties, and if the actions of others are part of the cause, what can you do about that? If you are unable to change the present state of affairs, are you willing to take the measures necessary to shape your life conditions as they are?
Acceptance of Self
Am I really willing to forgive myself? It takes a great deal of humility to be ready for the final phase of your inventory. If we accept ourselves as we are, with all our shortcomings as revealed in our inventory, we can go to another human being with our inventory and reveal all there is to know about ourselves. If we are truly humble in the sense that we are beginning to rely increasingly on our Higher Power in more of our affairs, then we are ready for the last phase.
If you made your appointment you need only to keep that appointment and verbally discuss every portion of your inventory.
Difficulties commonly experienced are:
1. Will the other person keep my inventory in confidence?2. Will the other person laugh at me?3. Will the other person think me silly?4. Will the other person think me ridiculous?5. Will the other person think me weird?6. Will the other person think me despicable?7. Will the other person think me base?8. Will the other person become disgusted with me?9. Will the other person reject me?
In taking your inventory you wrote down all these fears realizing they stem from our need to present a "good" image of ourselves to everyone. We fear that if we don't, they will have nothing to do with us. We will be isolated and outcast and, therefore, worthless. On closer examination, it is the need to "doctor" or distort our image which has been the real barrier between us and the rest of the world, which in fact do isolate us in spite-or because-of the false front we present. Nothing draws us to others, and others to us like honesty and humility. They represent true humanity and that is what really attracts us to each other.
Rewards Include:
1. Feeling more a part of the human race.2. Closer to our fellows.3. Self worth increases.4. A sense of well-being comes over us as never before.5. We get an inkling of what serenity can be.