Great Movie - FIREPROOF

My hubby and I saw this movie this past weekend and it was awesome. It is a low budget film and most of the actors and staff donated their time to make it because they believe in the message.

I walked away from the theater feeling uplifted, hopeful and ready to fight for a strong, "fireproof" marriage.

The movie addresses tough things such as divorce, loss of love, anger, selfishness, pornography addiction, temptation, pride, etc. It also brings in themes of repentance, the Atonement, forgiveness, humility, family support, good friends, etc.

If the movie comes to your area I would strongly urge you to see it. Otherwise be sure to see it when it comes out on DVD.

Some Recommended Reading

Check out this website for some great books on couples dealing with sexual addiction issues in their marriage. My husband and I both worked throught the book "He Did Deliver Me From Bondage" by Colleen Harrison. My husband attended a LDS Pornography Addiction Support Group (nicknamed PASG) and they used the "Clean Hands, Pure Heart" book as part of their readings.

http://www.windhavenpublishing.com/

My Codependent Rights

I wrote these up to remind me not to have codependent behavior. While my husband was acting out on his addictions throughout the years (without my knowledge), I became more and more codependent. While I didn't know what the problem was, I felt like my life was out of control so I attempted to control all other aspects of my life. I was constantly helping people, even if they didn't ask for help. I put my needs last. I was overcommitted to everything and couldn't say no. I neglected my own health and sanity. So once I figured out the source of the problem, I began my journey of healing. Here is my list to share with you.

* I have a right to dignity and respect.
* I have the right to say “no.”
* I have a right to set my own priorities and say “no” to anything that conflicts with my priorities.
* I have a right to stand up for myself.
* I have a right and responsibility NOT to fix everyone else’s problems.
* I have the right not to worry about preventing pain in other’s lives.
* I have the right not to over-commit myself.
* I have a right to show my feelings.
* I have a right to say “I don’t care.”
* I have the right to change my mind.
* I have the right to make mistakes.
* I have a right to spend time on nurturing myself.
* I have the right to enjoy my relationship with my husband.
* I have a right not to feel guilty when I am doing the best I can.
* I have the right not to over-do every project I’m involved with.
* I have the right not to have to look good to everyone.
* I have the right to protect my body and spirit and to not eat or drink things that are bad for my body.
* I have the right to receive guidance from Heavenly Father daily.
* I have the right to be frustrated, but the obligation to react with dignity.

Virtues - How am I doing?

How am I doing in each of the following virtues?
1. Thankfulness: It is the habit of my life to thank my higher power and others for what they have done...I can honestly say that I am a thankful person and often express my gratitude.
2. Gentleness: My life is free from all outbursts of selfish anger or rage. I am approachable, quiet in spirit, open to criticism, and don't get defensive when I am corrected or rebuked.
3. Humility: I do not have an inflated self-opinion and consistently consider others as equal with myself. I have a teachable spirit and avoid all bragging, name-dropping and spiritual pride.
4. Pure Attitudes: My lifestyle is one of the right relationships, not just outwardly but inwardly too. I have no hate, ill will, malice or bitterness toward any other person anywhere on this earth.
5. Acceptance: I refuse to fight back when people criticize, condemn, reject or complain against me, even if they do it with wrong motives. I practice giving a soft answer to turn away their wrath.
6. Peacemaking: It is my practice to try to bring peace between others who are at odds. I don't just stand by and allow division to fester without trying to get involved to bring peace.
7. Boldness: I have been able to launch out and take risks for my recovery and beliefs, keeping fear under control and taking risks when my higher power calls to me to do something. There is nothing now that My Higher Power is asking me to do which I'm resisting because of fear.
8. Trust: I not only believe, but "act as if" my higher power is guiding my life and situations. My life is one of simple reliance on my Higher Power. I'm free from fretting, worry or anxiety about the future.
9. Persistence: It is normal for me to hang in there, when I am acting in healthy ways, when things get difficult, stressful and unrewarding, even if I must face suffering difficulty and persecution. My persistence keeps me from giving up too easily and I just keep on keeping on.
10. Harmony: I'm not a participant in any group evil like quarreling, dissension, fighting or factions in my family or in my place of worship, fellowship or work.
11. Submission/Surrender: I do not resist those placed in authority over me, even if they're less competent or gifted. When I "turn my will and life over" to the care of my Higher Power, it means I follow my H.P.'s direction even if I question it at first.
12. Right Relationships: Reflecting on all my relationships past and present, I'm able to say there are no broken relationships with anybody, anywhere, which I have not attempted to straighten out.
13. Giving Living: I regularly practice generous giving to my family, place of worship, AA/NA, and homeless, helpless, widows, orphans, and other needy folk. Generosity is a normal behavior to me.
14. Family Time: It is the routine of my life to control the amount of time I spend in work, pleasure or other activities which take too much time from my family. I obey my spiritual leading and make my Family time the top priority of my relationship life.
15. Forgiveness: If there is an individual or group of people who have hurt me in the past, I release my resentment, bitterness or grudge against them. I have fully forgiven everyone who has ever hurt me.
16. Restoring others: I hurt when temptation overtakes a brother or sister in the fellowship or elsewhere in my life, so I do not avoid or exclude them; rather I often get involved, humbly coming alongside to help them back to their feet spiritually.
17. Restitution: If I've ever taken things which do not belong to me, or hurt people by what I said or did, I have gone back and made restitution for everything my Higher Power has prompted me about so far (knowing that my H.P. would not prompt me to do so if it would cause harm to me or another person).
18. Resisting Materialism: I resist the grasping materialistic lifestyle of my culture, choosing rather to live a life of contentment and satisfaction with what I have. I'm not always "wanting more".
19. Selfish Ambition: I have laid aside all envy and selfish ambition. I have no jealousy of another's success. I do not eagerly hunger to climb the ladder to gain personal power and position.
20. Spiritual Intimacy: It is the routine of my life to spend time alone with my Higher Power each day to read spiritual books, meditate and pray...and beyond that I "practice the presence" of my Higher Power all day long. I'm constantly sensing my Higher Power's surrounding presence in my life like the air I breath.
21. Thought Life: My thought life is absolutely free from all impure thoughts. I have habitual victory over all tempting sexual fantasies, daydreams, or other selfish thoughts. I never get high on "old highs".
22. Living Above Reproach: I painstakingly avoid situations which could feed lustful or selfish desires or even tempt others to gossip about me. I have no dangerous emotional bonds which could lead to trouble. I carefully attend to all my relationships so that not even the hint of impropriety exists.
23. Truthfulness: My yes is yes, my 200 is 200, my five-point buck is a five-point buck, and the fish is whatever size it is. I totally avoid half-truths, white lies, flattery or exaggeration. I practice absolute honesty both in my relationships with others and myself. I do not lie in order to allow myself or others to avoid unpleasant emotions.
24. Tongue Stewardship: I abstain from slander, gossip, harshness, unkindness, biting criticism, caustic remarks, obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking. Instead I use my tongue to build others up, giving words of encouragement, comfort, help, inspiration, and challenge. My tongue is completely under my Higher Power's control.
25. Living my Recovery: I typically share my recovery with both straight and chemically dependent people every time my Higher Power prompts me to do it. Twelfth stepping is a habit of my life.
26. Spiritual Passion: I hunger to become more spiritual and take my spiritual growth seriously. I do not ignore, dismiss or excuse areas where I fall short, even those I have listed above, since I have a spiritual passion for becoming more like my Higher Power would have me be, the I AM of Him.

The 12 Steps

The 12 Steps

1. We admitted we were powerless over compulsive, addictive behavior- that our lives become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we have harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so could injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others still suffering from the effects of compulsive behaviors, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Letter from an LDS Wife

To the Sisters in the Stake,

I am writing to you as my sisters in this Stake. I wanted to share my experience with the hopes that it may help one of you who may face a similar situation.

Let me start by saying I NEVER thought this would happen to me. I thought that this was the kind of thing that happened to other people and that I was immune to facing a trial like this. I was completely wrong. It can happen in any home.

The subject that I am addressing is one that most people are uncomfortable to discuss. It is pornography addiction (also called sexual addiction). Pornography addiction takes many forms – viewing pornographic magazines, viewing pornographic movies, looking at porn on the internet, chatting on-line, having inappropriate phone conversations and much more. There are many forms of pornography, but the path of destruction is all the same. This addiction leads to the destruction of souls, the destruction of marriages, the destruction of families. This pathway leads to adultery in some form as the addiction runs its course. I believe that this is one of Satan’s biggest tools and he is using this tool to destroy individuals and families. My family has been under attack and we are fighting back.

The process was a gradual one. For many years, I didn’t know my husband had a problem. It started with masturbation and then pornography was added in as time went on. He struggled on his own and I was completely oblivious. I don’t know if this was because I was just clueless or if it was because I didn’t see the truth because I didn’t want to see it. For years I had a slightly “off” feeling in my marriage. My marriage was generally happy with no obvious problems. We looked like an ideal couple to the outside world. Every once in a while I would just feel slightly uncomfortable.

This carried on for many years. Then, I started feeling like there was a wall growing between my husband and me. It was nothing huge, just a lack of complete closeness. We’d talk and he’d say all the right things, so I talked myself in to thinking there wasn’t really a problem.

Then I started feeling like I couldn’t trust him completely. I didn’t trust that he would make good decisions. There were little clues to me that he wasn’t feeling the spirit and I felt like he wasn’t completely sincere when we’d pray together or have Family Night. His prayers just rang hollow to me even though he was saying the right things. I knew something was wrong, I just didn’t know what the problem was or how big it was.

Then, as his problem began to totally take over, I noticed a bad feeling in our home and in my life. I was never completely happy and felt unsettled. I felt very lonely even though I had lots of friends. I also felt like my husband treated me like more of an object than a person. I felt like sex was something I owed him rather than something to share. It began to be much less appealing to me as he treated me more and more like an object. He would be angry and resentful if I said “no” so I said “yes” even when I didn’t want to be anywhere near him. I even reached the point where I wondered if something was wrong with me because I felt so uncomfortable.

My husband was very sneaky about his addiction. He didn’t want to risk losing me or his family by being caught. There was no history for me to find on our computer because he used the computer at work or when I was out of town or asleep and he deleted the history. He also made calls from work or from his cell phone so that I wouldn’t pick up on anything.

I reached the point of such discomfort in my own home that I began to pray to Heavenly Father to know the truth. I prayed that He would let me know what was wrong in my home and what to do about it. He answered my prayers in a sure and certain way. I promise you that He will answer any of His children’s prayers when they seek to know the truth.

Through this experience I have a sure knowledge that my Heavenly Father listens to each of our prayers. He knows each of our needs and all we need to do is ask Him for help and He will jump right in and help.

I confronted my husband and he didn’t tell me the truth. I knew the truth in my heart already and I told him that when he was prepared to tell me that I was prepared to hear the truth. A few days later he shared his struggles with me and pleaded for help. He was willing to work with our awesome bishop and do whatever it took to become clean again. He hated the double life he had been leading for so long and was relieved to have it out in the open. I felt like he now felt relief but that he had placed a huge burden onto me.

At first I said I just wanted to die because it hurt so badly. It felt like my worst nightmare had come true. I felt betrayed, angry and worried, but quickly I felt deeper peace with me and I knew that I would be okay. I knew my husband was in a dark place, but he wanted to improve so I was willing to help him. At times I felt hurt, overwhelmed and angry, but I knew in the eternal perspective that he was a child of God and that he was the father of my kids so I wanted to try my best to make things work. I figured maybe I could love him again someday after my heart healed. Since he was willing to repent, I was willing to hang in there with him and at least give him one chance.

We went to the Bishop’s office hand in hand. The bishop was kind and compassionate and told us that we could all work through this together. He did not act shocked, embarrassed, disappointed or mad, but rather he was full of love and desire to help us. The church leaders are prepared and willing to help because they know that this is a problem that is destroying families in and out of the church.

The Bishop also recommended additional tools such as an LDS therapist and the 12 Step program through LDS Family Services. Plus we had a small circle of friends and family who we confided in and who gave us support. We began to communicate better and share our struggles with each other rather than hiding our concerns. We began to work as a team. I came to realize what the real battle was about. This wasn’t my husband trying to destroy my life and hurt me. This battle was about Satan trying to destroy our eternal family.

Satan wants us to feel alone. He doesn’t want us to resolve these problems. He wants the person involved in sin to feel like they are all alone and unworthy. He wants the sin to be shrouded in secrecy. He wants us to be carnal not spiritual. Satan wants us to feel hopeless and sad and angry. But Heavenly Father and our Savior want us to be happy and they are stronger than the adversary.

There is a path to recovery. You can be happy even after facing a challenge of this magnitude.

Today I can honestly say I am happier than ever. We have had bumps along the path of recovery and everything hasn’t been perfect or easy, but we have sorted our way through things as a team. The Plan of Salvation is clearer to me. The scriptures are more treasured. My prayers are more sincere and heartfelt. Our home feels pure and happy. I never thought I could be happy again, but I guess I didn’t really understand the Atonement. I am beginning to now. I also know that my husband and I can’t let our guard down spiritually for a minute or Satan will wedge his way back in to our lives.

If you think something may be wrong in your home or marriage, please don’t turn a blind eye. Talk to your husband. Be honest with your concerns. Tell him that if he has a problem now or ever does that you are willing to talk to him and work with him and that you won’t just leave. If you are struggling in this area, talk to your husband. Talk to the bishop. It is not a subject that should be avoided because it is embarrassing to discuss. Remember, we are all in this battle and Satan is a mean and sneaky adversary.

Pornography is a problem that is plaguing our society. I, for one, want to stop Satan from destroying families. Since this has happened, we have found out that others in our circle of family and friends have struggled as well. A few of them have now set their lives right as well. It is a problem in society and it is a problem in this Church.

No one is safe from this. Don’t assume that this can’t happen to you. I believe that Satan works even harder on those with the most potential. I beg you to please be aware of this problem and don’t assume that “all is well.” We all need to fill our lives with the right things to protect ourselves – sincere prayer, scripture study, going to church, Family Night, temple attendance, etc. It sounds like the same old advice, but trust me, it works. Don’t be complacent spiritually because it is not worth the price you may pay.

Remember that you are never alone and even in your darkest moments, there is still hope for a brighter tomorrow and that this is all due to a loving Father and His son Jesus Christ. Things can be okay again.

Love, A Sister in the Stake

Does My Spouse Have a Problem?

Does My Spouse Have a Problem?

In today’s world many parents and spouses are concerned about the availability and easy access of pornography. The negative and destructive influence of pornography has adversely affected many lives. You may share these same concerns. You may suspect, through actual evidence or an intuitive impression, that your spouse is using pornography. Accurately discerning whether or not a spouse is struggling with pornography is a difficult, yet important first step in confronting and coping with the suspicions you may have. Determining whether or not there is a pornography problem is a careful balancing act. Some spouses dismiss behavior that should be confronted due to incomplete or insufficient information. One woman, despite her frustration and disgust, excused her husband’s pornography habit because she inaccurately assumed it was part of normal male behavior. When his habit later led to further problems, she expressed regret about not confronting the behavior sooner. Another woman grew suspicious of her husband’s late night computer activities, which he said were “work related.” Rather than expressing her concern she quietly went to bed each night. A few months later she discovered that her suspicions were accurate and her husband had been viewing pornography. Both of these examples represent situations where more information should have been gathered and behavior should have been confronted.

Signs of an Existing Problem

1. Loss of interest in sexual relations or insatiable sexual appetite.
2. Introduction of unusual sexual practices in the relationship.
3. Diminished emotional, physical, social, spiritual, and intellectual intimacy.
4. Neglect of responsibilities.
5. Increased isolation (such as late night hours on the computer); withdrawal from family.
6. Easily irritated, irregular mood swings.
7. Unexplained absences.
8. Preference for masturbation over sexual relations with spouse.
9. Unexplained financial transactions.
10. Sexual relations that are rigid, rushed, without passion, and detached.

Collecting Information

If these signs are presents in a marriage, it is possible there is a problem. Awareness of these signs is important. Additionally, accurate and complete information about problem should be gathered. One spouse became extremely agitated when she discovered pornographic images in the temporary Internet files folder on the family computer. She assumed her husband was indulging in pornography and imagined the devastation that the marriage would now suffer as a result of his behavior. When he came home from work, she burst into tears and immediately began attacking him. As the details unfolded, the family discovered that their son’s teenage friend was responsible. Even if the friend had not confessed, there were other possible explanations for the images being present. For example, there are various Internet marketing techniques using new computer technology that can send pornographic images to a home computer without anyone’s knowledge. Thus, it is always important to gather sufficient information and consider various possibilities before concluding there is a problem.

Communicating Concerns

If you suspect but are unsure if there is a problem, it is appropriate to communicate your concerns to your spouse. Perhaps some of the signs listed previously may be part of your concerns. Listen and be prepared to give him (or her) the benefit of the doubt. If there really is a problem, time will usually reveal any inappropriate behaviors. If material is being used to facilitate fantasies about other women (or men), this is inappropriate. If you are hurt by such behavior, remember that your feelings are valid and need to be expressed. It is important to remember that change is possible. The motive behind confronting the problem must be born out of hope and love. The goal must be recovery, healing and repentance and the restoration of true and healthy intimacy. Such recovery and healing is available to all through the Atonement of
Jesus Christ.

From lds.org